“write hard and clear about what hurts”

I am writing these words to hold onto. Crafting them like a lifeboat, to carry me

Pen to paper I write them into reality. I need them to be true.

He has spoken again and again, to me, in His word, through His children – there is hope, there is more. Crying in the shower a year ago as I saw my baby growing up, so grateful he was strong, heartbroken to loose his tiny ways. I heard Him whisper “I will give you more”   more children? more time? more what?   just more He said

I nursed my fourth son long, held him to my breast close, for my third son was whisked away in silence and the first two were growing up fast. I held him as mothers who know of loss do, tightly as we can. Praying for our babes to grow strong, longing to keep their soft innocence, we can’t hold tight enough to still time’s restless wandering. Watching the calendar march on, feeling the season’s change I soaked in all I could. Trying to memorize my face buried in golden hair, his fingers tracing wistful paths along my chest, toes wriggling, his small body tucked close to mine. The last time he fed from me, I knew his body would never melt into mine quite the same again. No more can I make all right in his world. We will reach through all that surrounds us and try still to hold eachother close, but he must make his own way and I will learn to let go a thousand times.

How can we live with the echoes of silence? I write these words to cling to.

There is more joy to come

unearned, unmerited, unrelenting joy. this is His promise and I believe.

I told myself I would believe, that I knew motherhood was a circle of growing and gaining and always losing. I told myself I would believe and hope, look forward to the season ahead. I told myself these words would save me. That I could write them like a lifeline, spelling out my very soul. I forgot how loss begins with a brave face but soon the long road grows weary and steps falter. The loneliness of change ached hard, cut deep to all the places unmended. I cried as if my heart was caving in to lose so sweet a time. I cried for all the moments and loves lost along the way. I cried until I knew I could take no more, til I knew I had nothing left to give, until I knew I needed saving once again. And I looked to him, a mere man and he could not save me. And I looked to my child, my children and knew that was not their place.

and I looked to my God and He was still with me, closer than any other. He drew me in, His saving grace had never disappeared, my eyes had just grown dark. His words telling me that He knows of pain and loss and loneliness and still He has written so that we may believe

in the joy to come. in joy always here

“But let all who take refuge in You be glad, let them ever sing for joy.”    – Psalm 5:11

 

pictures taken by Jesse on Joshua’s third birthday 10-30-12, edited by me with VSCO2 . title quote by Ernest Hemingway