to believe in the work

I think I may have finally come to believe in the work of motherhood, in the artistry.

I wanted to be a mother and that stepping out takes a lot of faith, even more so when the road gets rough.

But I have done so much in life because I thought I should or to go against the grain, for approval or to rebel.

And I have shied away, given up on so much because I thought I wasn’t good enough, couldn’t do it.

I was drawn into motherhood from the very center of my being, that place God made in me to nurture life. But I have run through it unbelieving, doubtful. Burdened by unfounded expectations, seeing it as less than it is. Searching for a way out of the messy creative process, desiring a purchase of certainty, needing a finished product to quell my doubts.

He knows I am of little faith

and so He cultivates, He strips away

“The artist, like the child, is a good believer. The depth and strength of the belief is reflected in the work; if the artist does not believe, then no one else will; no amount of technique will make the responder see truth in something the artist knows to be phony.” – Madeleine L’Engle

We mothers are artists, creating beings who will live beyond us, to whom we hope to impart truth. Do we believe in the work?

“The creative process has a lot to do with faith, and nothing to do with virtue, which may explain why so many artists are far from virtuous; are indeed great sinners. And yet, at the moment of creation, they must have complete faith, faith in their vision, faith in their work.” – Madeleine L’Engle

I have been a phony.

Too concerned with virtue, trying desperately to play the part of a “good” mother, constantly worrying if my children will give me the gratification of turning out ok.  Where is the faith in that?   Where is the grace?   If motherhood is a creative process and God is the author and we are artists together then why do I not just trust the work He is doing through me?

What relief, it has nothing to do with virtue. Only faith

Motherhood is artistry not because we do it perfectly or it looks amazing, but because it is creation. And we are not alone in this creative work. What freedom to chart our course through motherhood not by expectations, shame and worry, but to believe in the work and who we share it with.

A belief so strong and deep that nothing can tear us away. To believe more each day so that the ugly moments melt away and all we are left with is growing bodies and budding souls and a God we can trust to hold them closer than we know how

I do not make perfect meals or have all the visual details just right in my home. I’m always running late and never getting it all done. I don’t make it through a day without losing my patience. I can never give them all they need,

but I think for the first time I believe in the work,

and I will rest in the joy that brings.

 

12-24-12 . 24-70mm . VSCO1 Tri-X 400 . Christmas Eve traditions