Ten Years

Photos and Video to follow…

On our first anniversary I made him a little paper book covered in tissue paper and tied with a ribbon. It opened to tell of my love in words and bits of sketches. That was back when I knew I would be a wonderful wife and life would be a grand adventure with the man of my dreams. Back when I was frightened and naive. This Friday marked ten years of marriage. The tenth day of this August telling us we have had and held eachother for a decade. And all I know now is I cannot love, I am utterly unable. That is what a decade of trying to keep vows has taught me. I have not cheated them, I never will, never will run to the arms of another. But I did not understand the promises I made and I can not live up to them. I will always be his and only ever love him but each second I fail, unable to give of myself, incapable of forgiving and rejoicing and loving truly. So I made him this video, an apology and a promise. Because that’s what ten years has taught me, after leaving the idealistic bloom of childhood. Year after year living side by side teaches realism and lays down a deeper love that stands strong for better and worse because we have held eachother through both.

Ten Years from sharon mckeeman on Vimeo.

I flew back home from The Parsons Don’t Give Up Project the night before. Just come down off a mountain literally, figuratively… We layed in bed and whispered good morning for the three thousand six hundred fiftieth time, give or take a few, noses brushing, morning breath and wrinkled sheets warm. He gave me my favorite book and reminded me to never stop making art. I opened it to see Madeleine’s name curved by her own hand and remembered how Ash Parsons said this all has weight, every minute, every image, forever … We talk of our sons here and gone and watch my gift to him, images moving and tears sliding down. Then up and on to the day, our lives filled with little boys and all they must always do. Breakfast at our favorite stop, stacks of pancakes, omelets veggie stuffed and placemats colored to perfection by David man. The beach calls sundrenched and we lay and cover each other in sand.

Home to shower off the salt, I slip into that white dress last worn as we rehearsed. Shaking scared in a little white church, practicing the promises, we wait to kiss. August 9 2002, we rehearse our wedding day and fill chapel windows with flowers fresh picked. I slip the dress on and smile for our celebration tonight, sneaking off from kids. I zip up white linen and answer the phone to hear our babysitter won’t be coming. Why do I care so much? Too late to rearrange, I swallow down disappointment, we load up the kids and drive to our tree. That lone tree, wind battered but hanging on, rooted deep in the cliffs edge high above the sea. That tree my shot of courage each drive to and from the doctor, the hospital. It whispering “Don’t Give Up” as I sheltered life and longed to heal. To mark the time, to vow again, we take words passed on in a mountain lodge and our son makes an image of us to set off into the future. And even the next few hours are not what I had thought they would be . . .

We had planned on a night to glimpse alone those two lovers we began as. But that was not to be. Soaking in the sunset with children in tow our hearts were full but tummies were empty. We set out in search of food but crazy dancing boys don’t go well with reservations at a fancy dinner place. So pizza it was and tears of disappointment spilled down my white dress and onto the cardboard box. Disappointed at myself for being disappointed. Why couldn’t I hold onto the magic when it was rearranged? I leaned tired on his shoulder as I have many days through many years, and he stands strong as always. Then we stumble into fairytale over slices of pizza and little boys snapping pictures silly. Today as I sort through the images I wonder why it was too much to ask for a simple dinner date and as I stare at the last three images I know. I know because these images are us, they are the last ten years even more than the tree and the golden light and sea and smiles. And they are how we will march into the future no matter what it brings, me a little scared and leaning on his shoulder.

“This is my Lover, this my Friend” – Song of Songs

Happy Anniversary to the man of my dreams, thank you for adventuring on beautifully bumpy roads with this less than perfect human being!

8-10-2012 . Our 10th Wedding Anniversary . 28mm . LR + VSCO2 . all kinds of crazy light