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“In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat – for He grants sleep to those He loves.” – Psalm 127:2
“Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him. Truly He is my rock and my salvation.” – Psalm 62:5
“As the teacher sees the child for who they have been created to be . . . dull lessons crumble into the dust they are when she faces children as they are. She cannot go on with her stale commonplaces; she feels that she may not bore them . . . She knows that children’s minds hunger for knowledge, not for information, and that his own poor stock of knowledge is not enough . . . She is not sufficient for these things.”
Not sufficient, but trying so hard and so very tired.
That is how I felt. Sinking slowly, feeling as Bilbo would say “thin, stretched out, like butter scraped over too much bread”
And still I kept pressing. Feeling an odd sense of duty to all the demanding voices. Pushing those “dull lessons” until the flu brought us down with one fell swoop. Then came a month of TV and movies, lying in bed, crumpled on the couch. A month bone tired taking care of each other. A month of feverish sleep. And after all that sickness and sleep I realized I was exhausted to the core,
and I just stopped. I canceled appointments and rescheduled meetings, dropped activities and missed deadlines. But more than that, something inside stopped. My hands went down and something in my heart and head took a deep breath and exhaled all that had been pent up, rising to the surface, about to boil over. My body gave in and a bit of my soul that was getting all bent out of shape was forced to find rest in Him.
Each task was too much, the years piled up and the only thing I could do was let it all go. How had I gotten here? What to do next? Not even the energy to think and sort it all out . . .
Rest. it came forced upon me. it came in silence and brought peace.
Without the energy to worry if I was preparing them properly I saw each son a little clearer. They so alive and full of the years and boundless energy I covet, unburdened by the realities I know, not shackled by the false pretenses I bow down to. I see His salvation in their unkept hair and easy smiles.
He gives sleep to those He loves. Real rest for the weary, the down trodden. In this rest I drop the heavy load and find my hands free to hold the paintbrush, my mind come alive with all I have inside to create. The feet that were knocked out from under me find a steady place to stand, wiggling toes in the sand, walking in awe of all I had forgotten to see. Then I find my steps quickening, a dance begins and I am swept forward with new birthed joy. Waking from sleep to find you misplaced what didn’t matter and are refreshed to pursue what does!
So we drop the weights and do the lessons a little slower. Still reading and writing and making sums but there will be plenty of time for that and this time of lying in the sand and reading books made of nonsense will soon come to an end. Only an earthly end though because there is a place where they will never fade. Once all this body can do is no more, when all strength is sapped, then will come the real rest. The never ending refreshing will come and I will find there, all these moments that were real. I do not have the strength to hold onto what I love, but He does and will.
Oh may I remember to rest in that when the world clamors to crowd back in.
David asleep on the couch after swim lessons. 3-12-12 . 85mm . vsco + lr
