Torn

I am torn right now, probably always will be. It’s part of being a mom I suppose . . .

His feet keep getting bigger, I want them to stop. For him to grow up big and strong, it’s my sole goal in life. Does this make sense? It tears my heart in two and is the only thing that brings me joy.

I miss his little smushy days yet I thrill to see him walk. I miss chubby little Aaron and sweet baby David, but I wouldn’t go back. I love who they’re becoming. I love pouring knowledge into them at the kitchen table, and I miss when all was said without words.

It’s all a balance of loosing and gaining I guess, holding and letting go. Every mother knows. The tearing begins as they leave your body, wounded to let go. This the only way to say hello. They grow and blossom, becoming whole, making us proud. Our hearts always entangled, fuller than before, forever missing them as they take steps away into life. Their bodies stronger, ours less needed – a victory, a loss. Our hearts drawn in more each day, needed more each year.

I march forward, mark the time and remember the moments. I am torn and I am fulfilled.

9-22-10 . 24-70