One Year

it has been one year since he left me, Joshua

i would not have survived this day if God had not given me another, Jeremiah

there was no question what to do one year later, there were  things I knew I MUST do

go to the beach, read the Psalm, sing the songs, let go a balloon, throw a rock

My husband bought three balloons in case some of them popped we would still have one to let go. He tried to guard against failure. We drove in silence to the beach, he opened the doors to the van and the balloons were gone before we could even grab for them. I got out, as if I could run after them and the tears poured down. Anger, dissapointment welled up, why did this have to be ruined too?

and then I knew it was as it was supposed to be. I didnt let go of Joshua, he was ripped away from me. I wanted to let go of the balloons but they were ripped away…

and they floated not out to sea as I had imagined but back over our house and lingered so long that it looked like we had created a new star. and God whispered to me, "I know you didn't want him to go, but he is not gone, he is with me"

and we held eachother in the parking lot and we cried, and when we couldnt see the tiny star anymore we went to the beach…

our boys built Mountain Everest out of sand and ran and laughed and played and lived and didn't know our sadness and felt our peace and our joy I think

and we read Psalm 139 and we trusted God

and we sang and thanked Him for Joshua and oh we thanked Him for sending Jeremiah to save and heal our hearts and make the day that Joshua would have been a year old bearable

and we watched the sun set beautifully between two perfect clouds, leaving a tiny cloud in its place between them and soft, glistening pinks, purples, and soft soft baby blue to bathe the water, sky and sand in the most peaceful colors I have ever seen

we threw a rock into the sea that holds his body and we went home, still missing him – but happy and full and so very grateful

in awe of our God and excited about our lives, thankful for our little men

(as we drove away there was one single real star hovering right where our balloon dissapeared)

this day, this year has passed and the blinding blanket of grief has been lifted. I am left with a stone for every member of our family, two blocks with a J carved on them, beauty, truth, the promise that I will meet my fourth son some day and a life to live today for the three sons I hold here on earth