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this is one of the few pictures I took of my third son, the one I lost…
i think we most truly know and are connected to something when we loose it
i think we are forever captured in that moment, tied to what we lost. the pain holds us tight and teaches us our destiny
the movie "master and commander" tells the story of an english naval captain and his crew aboard their ship during the napoleonic wars. the crew is comprised of both hardened old seamen and fresh young boys that don't even seem old enough to leave home. one of those youths loses both his arm and his best friend at sea. as i re-watched it recently i realized those losses didn't drive him from the sea, rather they tied him inseparably to it.
my deepest loss, my greatest pain came while creating, while mothering – i lost my third son during birth on his due date six months ago
and now i can't stop creating – if a day goes by without creating art, teaching my children, sewing, cooking or gardening i feel like i am dyeing
and i am now united to motherhood in a way i was not before,
i am forever bound to the act that caused me the greatest pain, defined by my life's deepest loss and i am so grateful
he never spoke a word but he taught me more than anyone
i am grateful but i wish it had never happened. i only want to hold him alive but i trust God's plan. what craziness, but if you have experienced it you understand
so this is for the women with aching empty arms and holes in their hearts this mother's day. for the women who long to bear children, who have lost grown children, who have to grieve their baby's death instead of celebrating their birth
you are a mother in such a special, intense way, committed to mothering even when it costs you all you have. your treasure is in heaven. your broken heart is beautiful, strong
and for those that hold perfect healthy children, the challenge is to not drift away unawares. to deeply know and love and cherish what we hold without the sting of losing these gifts
my baby's body rests in the sea – alone, but my son is in heaven with Jesus. i thought i admired both places before, but they are indescribably beautiful to me now
for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also – matthew 6:21
for beautiful photos and posts celebrating motherhood head over to iheartfaces
Tyler - You are a beautiful mother! Your children are blessed!
Lydia Abbott - Beautiful! Tears came to my eyes as I read this and I am not yet a mother. You have given a very special gift to many that read these comforting and uplifting words! You are truly my inspiration for being a mom someday. Thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts! May the Lord continue to bless you and your family more and more each day, Needless to say that Jesse must be so proud and feel VERY blessed that God brought him a wife and mother like you!!!! I love you guys so much!
Hollie - I only just found your blog a few minutes ago. I really needed to read this on Mother’s Day. I am one of those desperate to be a Mother and you are the first person to put into words, what I felt in my heart that no one might understand. Thank you. My heart is with you on Mother’s Day and all of your children, both in Heaven and on Earth. Happy Mother’s Day to you.
Twiggy - Beautiful. I spent many, many years trying to become a mother and it finally happened for us, I know we are truly blessed and never forget for a minute how lucky we are and how painful the waiting and hoping can be.
You are a fantastic mother.
Twiggy x
Katherine - This was so beautiful, thank-you.
K xx
Jenn - Thank you for sharing this and joining up to the Yummy Mummy Blog Hop. What a beautiful and touching story-brought tears to my eyes. You are a fantastic mother and your children are all very blessed. Happy Mother’s Day!
Michelle Gidosh - thank you…
Amanda Rooney - Wow!! The photo is breath taking! And your story ~ his story ~ is never to be forgotten!! Thank you for opening your heart today. May God continue to show you “beauty from ashes…”
donna - you picture is beautiful … your words are breathtaking. may God’s grace touch you today as you minister to your children and to all who read your story. blessings to you precious mom …
Life with Kaishon - I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I think this post honored his life so well. Very powerful. Lovely image.
Pam D - What a beautiful picture and heartfelt post. So true that those of us who had uneventful births and healthy children just take it all for granted. May God continue to walk with you through grief and sorrow and open your eyes and heart to joy along the way.
carrie - This is an incredible and heartwrenching post. Although I had a glipse, I will never know the pain you must have felt and still feel. Thanks so much for sharing.. and although this is a bit strange to have you link back to me again:).. I want to share I post I wrote about my friends and the loss of their baby.. http://rowdystroudy.blogspot.com/2008/07/home.html
Serline - Beautiful photo. Now that you have shared your story, we are bound to your loss as well. There are no words I can offer you better than scripture, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways”. The loss is part of His plans for you, that you may be a great mother to your children and will treasure life and all around you so much more. God bless.
jessicamaylords - Thank you so much for writing this. I am not a mother but my sister-in-law lost her baby last year, and I remember how incredibly painful it was. Thank you for having the strength to share this.
Mindy - I’m so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful reminder this photo is…
Laura - What a beautiful post, picture and blog you have! I am glad Hollie told me about your blog.
Hugs-
L
Jennifer Rikkers - There are hardly words….all of this is so amazingly beautiful. Evokes emotion. evokes love. motherhood.
MIchelle - Stunning photo and post. Thank you for the tears in my eyes right now.
Austin-Lee - Such a sweet post…and thanks for recognizing the mothers whose little ones are not here with them. I have two friends struggling with this on this mother’s day, and it’s so heartbreaking. The photo is lovely, also!
KristaMae - Beautiful and sweet…an amazing way to capture the memory
Lauren - your image and your words are so beautiful and touching. I’m so sorry you have experienced such loss.
Buckeroomama - That photograph is actually hauntingly beautiful.
I’m very sorry for your loss.
Amy @ Muddy Boots - I lost my second son a few hours after his birth. He had a genetic disorder -that we knew of in advance- but it didn’t make it any easier. His loss has left a hole… and it will be five years this October.
But, we grieve with hope, right? We know we will see our babies again.
Remember that each day brings you closer to your son.
(hugs) from a mom who knows.
christina - beautiful photo & so sorry for your loss.
Raymonde - Thank you for your visit and comment.
Your capture is beautiful and I am sorry for your loss.
Your faith is inspiring. Have a blessed week.x
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candi durbin - So glad to have “met” you! I understand your hurt. This post was so beautiful, it made me cry. I look forward to reading more of your blog……
Seriously, it’s not a coincidence!
Paige - I just found this post through your comment on Candi’s blog. This is so touching and your faith through all of it is so encouraging. God has the biggest plan for you.
Dion Seneca - What an incredible post! Thank you for sharing your loss and your renewed vision of motherhood with me.
Angela - Thanks for visiting my blog.
Oh how those arms can ache for a baby… mine did. I am so sorry for your loss.
Vanessa - Thank you for bringing me here. This is something I have to constantly remind myself…that instead of longing for another child or mourning the loss of children I may never have I need to focus on the ones that I’ve been blessed with.
This picture is beautiful and your story is so so moving. <3
Heather - I stumbled upon your blog via Ohdeedoh, but felt compelled to leave a message here of heartfelt prayer and blessing to you and your family as you deal with your third son’s early release into the arms of Jesus. How much you must miss him….
I don’t know if you’ve heard of Angie Smith’s story about her daughter Audrey Caroline – http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/01/beginning-of-story.html – I hope her story brings you some healing.
Aaryn - I do not even have the words…this is so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.
jack - Again, thank you for your comment – I am so sorry for your loss and think you are very brave to share it with this beautiful photo.
Arya - This really made me cry! And it made med start appreciating my life in a whole new way.
Thank you.
Mimi - Thank you for your visit and comment. And thank you for sharing your story and your faith. God Bless you.
Caroline (Frogmum) - A beautiful entry and a beautiful post. I am sorry for your loss and amazed at your courage and creativity. God has truly bless you through the tiny life of little Joshua.
Jen Parker - You are a wonderful mother. To be able to understand that God does have a plan, and that your faith is being tested… Your perseverance is amazing.
Liz - You are obviously a beautiful person with a beautiful spirit. Thank you for visiting my blog with your encouragement. This was a tough post for me to read considering I’m due in just six weeks with my third child (who also happens to be a third son). You will be in my prayers tonight. I can’t imagine burying one of my children and I know I haven’t any sage advice to make your loss hurt less. I do believe in heaven, though, and that those who lose their children in this life will be granted the opportunity, by a loving Heavenly Father, to raise them in the next. Small consolation now, I’m sure, when the hurt is so huge.
Beautiful, beautiful photograph.
Diane Herman - and my son too
xx
the hole in my heart is protected by the love of his 3 sisters 🙂
Trisha - I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. We lost our 3rd child ( a baby girl ) too. It is something I wish nobody has to go through. Huge hugs to you and your family!
Virpi - I’m so sorry for your loss. The pic is really beautiful. Our neighbour faced the same as you and every time I see her I feel quilty for having 6 healthy kids. It also reminds me how precious they are and it ain’t obvious to have them.
mamaTAVE - Thank you.
Your portrait is a beautiful treasure.
Sharon - thank you all SO much for your understanding and encouraging comments! they mean more to me than I can express
Jen - it’s a beautiful photograph. and beautiful words. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your honesty.
Susie - I am in tears reading this… I can’t even imagine. I lost my middle child but so much earlier on. I still grieve to this day. Sending hugs…
cpcable - I found your blog through Soulemama’s “This Moment” link…but this was the post that spoke to me more. You put into words, so eloquently, what I have been feeling and going through. Thank you.